Saturday, October 18, 2003

Follow the smell... 

I always check my referrals, otherwise how am I to know if someone is talking about me and/or this blog?

Today, I got an interesting one. Someone found this site via Google, so I was very interested to see what their search string was.

They'd searched for the phrase, "I vomited all over the".

For some reason, I find this incredibly amusing.

Stupid people suck. 

I have the easiest job in the world. A typical night goes something like this (names changed to protect the innocent):

10:00pm - 1:30am -- I sit on my ass, playing on the internet.

1:30am -- I wave at some people leaving the facility. My co-worker calls out on the radio, "All employees exiting facility. On patrol at this time." I write on the log the following line:
1:30am - All employees exited facility. S/O Gonzalez on patrol. - K.V.

1:40am - 3:30am - My co-worker is on patrol. I sit on my ass, playing on the internet, and every ten minutes he says something on the radio, I respond with "10-4" and write down what he said. For example, he says, "06 to central, radio check north parking lot." So, I write:
1:50am - S/O Gonzalez r/c north parking lot - K.V.

3:30am - 5:30 am - My co-worker relieves me and I go on patrol. I write on the log:
3:30am - S/O Vel on patrol - K.V.

Patrol consists of walking around a large facility and locking any doors that might be open, turning off any coffee makers that were left on, and checking the readings on three gauges/displays. Newbies even get a map.

5:30am - I post at the lobby. This means I unlock the front door, turn on the lobby light switch, and sit my ass down in a big, comfy black leather chair. Then I write on the lobby log sheet:
5:30am - S/O Vel posted at lobby. - K.V.

5:30am - 6:00 am - Some employees come in. I say "Good morning" to each of them. The other guard, who is still at the guard shack, flips a switch to open the gate when he sees a vehicle approaching, then steps outside. He makes sure the person entering has an employee badge, and waves them through.

6:00am - I write on the log sheet:
6:00am - S/O Vel off duty. - K.V.
Then I go home.

That's it -- working as a security officer on the night shift (at my site) is amazingly easy. I have a hard time imagining an easier job, really. I've worked here a year and a half, and I've never screwed up.

It's also an incredibly lenient job. For example, one of my co-workers got nine writeups in a month, for sleeping on the job. He didn't get fired or otherwise disciplined. He is, in fact, currently the lead officer on the night shift. I used to be lead officer, but I quit and he got promoted... they didn't want to demote him just because I returned. Although, he's gotten a couple fairly serious writeups recently and will probably not be lead officer for long.

And yet, when a new employee is hired, there's only about a 50/50 chance of them remaining with the company for longer than a month. Most of the ones who don't make it get fired for being incredibly stupid.

One guy got fired because he had his mom call in for him on his first day of work, to tell us he wouldn't be here because his car broke down.

One guy got fired because he refused to step outside the guard shack to check badges, as he said it was "too hot".

One guy got fired because he was bragging about stealing employees' lunches out of the refrigerators.

Two guys got fired for surfing porn on company computers.

One guy got fired for calling a phone sex line from the guard shack and running up a bill for over $100.

One guy got fired because he went on a two hour patrol without ever calling a radio check, and then chased after a UPS truck, nearly getting run over. (This particular guy was the dumbest ever.)

One guy got fired for making racist comments about Hispanic people (this town is about 95% Hispanic).

There are more, but those are the ones I remember specifically from the last eight months.

This job is sickeningly easy, and each new employee gets four hours of paid training, during which everything they have to do is explained in detail and demonstrated.

Until a couple of weeks ago, one of my night shift co-workers was a guy named Sef (short for Seferino). I liked Sef -- he was competant. Unfortunately, he quit because he's also going to school full time and wanted to have some time with his family, as well as more sleep.

Sef's replacement started working tonight. I'll call him GJ. I do not think GJ will last more than a couple of weeks in this job. He seems like a nice enough guy, but he's incredibly dumb. Also, his English is terrible, and this job requires that you can speak and understand English well.

GJ was trained by a bilingual guard, which is a good thing, because I don't believe I could train the guy in English if my life depended on it. I'm not sure I could train him in Spanish, either, because he's simply too dumb. We're talking slack mouthed, drooling, blank stare dumb.

I sent him out on first patrol. I had to explain three times how to sign out on patrol. He was extremely hesitant calling radio checks, but many of the new guards are, so I didn't think much of that. And he called some oddball radio checks (places we don't usually call), but again that's a typical newbie mistake.

When GJ got back, I spent fifteen minutes explaining a few things to him he might not have been told during training. I don't think he understood a word I said.

Then I went out on patrol myself, and called my first radio check. No response. I called it again. No response. "Central, do you copy?" No response.

I called him on the phone, and he stumbled over the greeting. "Did you get my radio check?" I asked him.

"Yeah. What was it?"



"When I call a radio check, you need to respond with '10-4', okay?"


"Alright, thanks."

Ten minutes later, I called another radio check. No response. I tried a couple more times. No response. I called him on the phone again.

"Did you hear my last radio check?"


"What was it?"

"I don't know..."

"Is your radio turned on?"


"Okay, turn it on, and make sure you say '10-4' on the radio when I call one, so I know you heard me."


GJ is responding with "10-4" now, after making me repeat each check at least twice, because he can't understand what I'm saying. My speech is perfectly clear, but I have to repeat myself very slowly so he can catch it because his English sucks.

I don't think this guy is going to last. We'll see -- his broken English will be a major problem, but I think his stupidity is what will get him fired. It's too bad, really, if he quits or gets fired, I'll lose days off again. Oh well.

In other news, I now have a "goose egg" type swelling on my face, along my jaw. It's quite painful and chewing has become impossible. I'm actually looking forward to Wednesday and the chamber of horrors -- I want this crap fixed!

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