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Thursday, November 20, 2003

True tales of guarding 

I'm not sure what attracts so many worthless people to guard jobs. It might be the allure of sitting on your butt all day. Or that the Texas Workforce Commission refers all the hopeless cases to Securitas--minimum qualifications: can walk, can talk, can get to work on time. It really is an easy job. There's a big binder that details all the procedures you follow, and if an unexpected situation arises ask the supervisor. Sometimes you walk around. And the worst thing is, some people just can't keep the job. Some highlights from the past 6 months or so:

Charles T. Worthey, from Corpus Christi: Whenever Charles T. Worthey saw someone, he'd introduce himself. "Hi! I'm Charles T. Worthey, and I just moved here from Corpus Christi!" The man was, not to put too fine a point on it, Forrest Gump minus the Tom Hanks charm. His first patrol, he stopped making radio checks for an hour. This was a bad thing, since radio checks are the only way the guard at the guard shack knows you're alive. (Charles was on night shift.) They're normally made every ten minutes at night. As I recall Kataine related it to me, Charles returned to the shack after his patrol, saying that he had been making the radio checks. Every ten minutes. Apparently he never noticed the loud BEEP the radio made when he tried to transmit, or the fact that the lobby guard never responded to his checks with a 10-4. The incident that got him fired: a UPS truck showed up for a delivery. Charles would, at that point, verify the driver's ID, visually inspect the back of the truck, log the truck, and send him through. Except that he couldn't find his clipboard for logging trucks. The one that's hung on the same peg every time. It took him so long to find it that the UPS driver eventually turned around and drove off. So Charles ran after the truck, waving his arms and shouting "Don't go! Don't go!" For deserting his post, Mr. Worthey received his notice of termination.

Fat Fucker: I forget his name. He lasted one day. Sue me. He refused to walk three feet out of the guard shack to check employee IDs, because it was too hot outside. Instead he waved them through from the air-conditioned shack. He got multiple writeups his first day for that. Second day: no call no show. Ass canned.

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